July 22, 2014







*this is really dark cuz I took it at 4:30 AM and I can’t turn on the light b/c I have a roommate*

This morning, I thought I lost my pink frog, Squishy. I never fly without it. I quietly searched the room before realizing it was on my bed the whole time. Squishy was given to me for my 18th birthday by my then boo thang Polaris. He came into our physics class pretending to forget that it was my birthday then whipped out this bundle of joy. It was a perfect gift, especially since we hadn’t extensive discussed my love for stuffed animals. 

I think Squishy means so much to me because he’s a symbol of romantic love. Polaris loved me for who I was. He wasn’t abusive like my first boyfriend or college girlfriend. He wasn’t using my affection as a means of control. My former best friend turned girlfriend loved the idea of loving me. She loved writing poems about love. She still loves writing articles for autostraddle about how brave it was that she loved a person with depression and anxiety. She also loved being abusive and manipulative. She loved so much, but she said never loved me and thought it was laughable that I thought I was lovable.Squishy reminds me that I’m worth loving.

 

July 20, 2014

abuser is in the kitchen of my house because some sad person thinks they are a decent person so I went to my room and locked my door so they can’t come in.

Paranoia that abuser will come in and do something to me? might be a sign of post traumatic stress.

July 19, 2014
Running

I spend a lot of my time running away from something.

Running away from toxic and abusive relationships

Running away from sexual trauma

Running away from self destructive thoughts

I’d like to run towards something

No, not run

Glide into something

Give me fresh air, green grass, and warm sun to glide into

June 21, 2014

Of course it’s the 21st of the month. It’s like this day is cursed for me

10:30pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z8n8Kx1JNLmg_
Filed under: personal 
June 19, 2014
Summer of Self Exploration 2014

Summer 2012 was the Summer of Love. I learned how to love myself more effectively.

Summer 2013, I was too busy with school to focus on anything but my two classes.

This summer will be the summer of self exploration. I’ve been learning about myself sexually since the beginning of this past academic year. I learned a bit about what I liked this fall. I learned about consent and pleasure. This winter, I learned I definitely didn’t like having sex with cis men. Recently, I’ve been learning how to communicate my likes and dislikes, how to take care of my sexual partner(s) desires, and what I want in bed (or on the floor, or on the couch).

I’m also exploring my gender, sexuality, diet, hobbies, and relaxation techniques. My gender has always caused me some stress, and I feel better now that I identify as nonbinary. I’m pretty queer. I love being with Push and Pulley and I’m glad our relationship isn’t monogamous. I’m taking the time to explore what it means to be a kinky, polyamorous Black lesbian, how to communicate in my relationships, and how to be a good partner. I’m trying to find a way to eat healthy while on a strict budget. Thank the Universe for 39 cents/pound bananas at Stop and Shop. This WILL be the summer I finally learn piano. I’m also working on writing poetry and articles to submit to queer/people of color conscious publications. And now that I’m broke, I need to find relaxation and anti anxiety techniques to hold me over until I can afford more meds.

My tag for this is #Summer Of Self Exploration 2014, and I invite you all to join me on my journey.

June 9, 2014

I think it’s nice that the queers are supporting a biphobic girl in her beauty pageant, but it’s $25 dollars. Even if I had the money, I probably wouldn’t go. I feel like I shouldn’t give out any amount of my emotional energy to a group of people who was never there for me

6:41pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z8n8Kx1IG0kME
Filed under: personal 
June 3, 2014

I’ve been feeling pretty lonely

The people I used to see daily have gone home, I don’t have a group of people to hang out with anymore, and I don’t know how to make friends.

 I think I might start hanging out at queer events in Boston and meeting people.

I need to learn how to make friends in this new post grad life

June 1, 2014

I’m pretty in love with myself and I want to share that love with someone because I feel emotionally unfulfilled but I need to get my shit together before I pursue any romantic interests.

Well, maybe not completely together. It just needs to be more together than it is now

May 10, 2014

I had to give $250 to my brother today (which was annoying, but I’ll live). I w cannot afford to get a dress for senior formal, which is great because I can be a cute boi for the night and wear my bowtie. I mentioned how I was gonna wear a bowtie to the formal and my mom said that bowties are for men.

Mom, can you stop with the strict gender stuff please?

5:43pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z8n8Kx1FVVqvz
  
Filed under: personal 
April 19, 2014

When I was in the 6th grade, I attended my brother’s little league games. There was a boy in little league who was also in my classes at school. He used to always call me I Man, instead of Iman. The boy, Donovan Reese, knew very well how to correctly pronounce my name. I voiced my frustration to my mother, and she responded with the words many girls have hear: “he’s only picking on you because he likes you”. Baby queer Iman gave zero fucks about Donovan’s crush. I wondered why, in validating his actions, my mother invalidated my self-worth. 

1:08pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z8n8Kx1DVzmnt
Filed under: personal 
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