April 14, 2014

I don’t want to live a life of regrets. I want to fall in love and scrape my knees.

1:04pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z8n8Kx1D1M_MQ
Filed under: personal 
April 10, 2014
Ex Factor Part 1

Sometimes when I see my ex in passing, I get very sad and nostalgic.

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4:08pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z8n8Kx1CgSf71
Filed under: songbird personal 
April 10, 2014

noooo I’m getting thinner. 

I want to bask in the glory of my fatness.

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April 10, 2014

I want to submit to Black Girl Dangerous, but I’m so terrified of being harshly criticized by readers that I won’t do it. Of course, that probably won’t happen, but the possibility exists.

10:09am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z8n8Kx1CeyGDC
Filed under: personal 
March 23, 2014
Black Girls Go To Therapy

The last time I tried therapy, my roommates and then girlfriend thought I was lying because I didn’t tell them right away. They didn’t understand why they didn’t know every detail of my life. Therapy is so stigmatized that I don’t tell people who don’t need to know. It is especially stigmatized in Black and Christian circles, where people are told that therapy is for white people or God will fix everything.

I grew up hearing that so many things were for white people: therapy, speaking “proper”, intellectualism… I’m tired of hearing about what’s for white people. It’s all a concocted lie. People of color are told these things because they know we don’t want to (outwardly) identify with whiteness. We will avoid therapy to keep our POCness.

When I first told my family that I wanted to go to therapy, my minister mother instructed me to go to church instead. The idea that we should “let go and let God” robs us of accountability. I wasn’t functioning. I needed to go to therapy. As it is written, faith without works is dead.

I am an advocate of therapy, though I know it is not feasible for everyone. My insurance is great, but I’m still paying $100 a month for sessions. It is expensive, but I can afford it. I figured I could spend $100 a month on liquor and eating out, or I could spend it on my health. The decision for me as a Black lesbian to take care of myself is revolutionary.

March 9, 2014
Therapy [TW: talk of anxiety, depression, medication]

A friend once told me that she was willing to help me get through my anxiety and depression as she got through hers, but she could only help me if I truly wanted help. I felt offended. Why wouldn’t I want help? Being too anxious to leave my room wasn’t fun. Feeling too depressed to do homework wasn’t fun. How dare she assume that I didn’t want help? But then I thought it over. It’s so easy to just be complacent and stay where you are. Sure, I was struggling, but I felt like there was no way out. I felt like I was stuck. Most importantly, I felt like if I didn’t have anxiety and depression, I wouldn’t be me anymore. My personality felt embedded in the mood swings and self destructive behavior. I felt like I was my mental illness. After some time, I started taking mood stabilizers (which took some destigmatization), and it felt unnatural. I had been struggling with extreme moods so long, I forgot what a healthy dose of emotions was. I was still anxious, but I could leave my room. I was still sad, but I wouldn’t sleep 15 hours a day and miss class and assignments. I didn’t have spurts of uncontrollable energy. I was… Normal.

I have an appointment with a new therapist for Monday. I’m anxious, but in a healthy way. I’m looking forward to going (and actually being able to leave my room). And going to therapy regularly will take some budgeting, but I finally feel like I’m worth it.

February 20, 2014

One of my goals for my 22nd year is to write one poem a week. The first one is due by the 22nd. The problem is, nothing is moving me. I feel so disconnected to life that I can barely function (hopefully I can make it through the next 3 months of school without failing). I have no inspiration and it’s really bothering me. 

10:51pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z8n8Kx1828HQF
Filed under: personal 
February 6, 2014

I didn’t go to IvyQ because my abusive ex was going.

I wanted to go though, but self care comes first

January 27, 2014

My abuser might be interested in a group focusing on LGBTQ domestic violence.

That’s like a killer following the investigation of his victims

4:45am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z8n8Kx15b9i1T
Filed under: dating abuse personal 
January 22, 2014

TRIGGER WARNING: Weight, talk of military

I like being fat, and I want to stay fat. But I also need to meet the weight requirements for the military in case I need to enlist for money reasons. That’s 165. I’m about 255 now (highest weight ever but I DONT CURR). The least I’ve weighed in my young adult life was 190 at age 18 and I looked pretty slim. I really don’t want to weigh any less than 180, but I also have 40K in student loans to pay off.

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