August 20, 2014
My anxiety is coming back

I had an anxiety attack and had to leave the march for Mike Brown. 

I just want to be able to function

I’m afraid it’ll get to the point like it was last year where I could barely leave my room.

I have a job now. I have to go or I’ll get fired and lose my chance to get the education award I need so I can finish college

August 1, 2014
Thoughts on Food Stamps

It’s really annoying how people look down on folks who use food stamps. And classist. And racist.

In my hometown, about half of the city is eligible for EBT. And most people I’ve encountered in Gary who use EBT have jobs. I visited my family last week, and when I went to one of the very few grocery stores in my hometown and paid with a card, the cashier asked “debit, credit, or EBT?” It’s such a normal occurrence that it’s not really thought of there.

Today, I went into the Department of Human Services to apply for food stamps. I stood in line for three hours. If you want an appointment, you must come into the department between 9-2 Monday through Friday. Now, these are regular work hours. If you’re working, you’d lose an entire day’s pay (if not your job). There are phone interviews available, but they’re scheduled between 9-5, so the person applying would still have to leave their job for a bit to get food stamps.

Food is a basic human right, and it irritates the hell out of me when people get upset that others have EBT cards. Those who are unemployed are told to get a job and stop wasting the hard earned money of taxpayers. Those who have jobs are told to get better jobs, sell their valued possessions, and eat ramen. This obvious classism is coupled with racism, particularly targeting women of color even though white people make of the highest percentage of welfare recipients.

Today, I swiped my EBT card and bought fruit, cheese, granola bars, english muffins, and gelato. Yes, gelato. Because I deserve it. 

And it was fuckin good gelato

July 22, 2014

*this is really dark cuz I took it at 4:30 AM and I can’t turn on the light b/c I have a roommate*

This morning, I thought I lost my pink frog, Squishy. I never fly without it. I quietly searched the room before realizing it was on my bed the whole time. Squishy was given to me for my 18th birthday by my then boo thang Polaris. He came into our physics class pretending to forget that it was my birthday then whipped out this bundle of joy. It was a perfect gift, especially since we hadn’t extensive discussed my love for stuffed animals. 

I think Squishy means so much to me because he’s a symbol of romantic love. Polaris loved me for who I was. He wasn’t abusive like my first boyfriend or college girlfriend. He wasn’t using my affection as a means of control. My former best friend turned girlfriend loved the idea of loving me. She loved writing poems about love. She still loves writing articles for autostraddle about how brave it was that she loved a person with depression and anxiety. She also loved being abusive and manipulative. She loved so much, but she said never loved me and thought it was laughable that I thought I was lovable.Squishy reminds me that I’m worth loving.


July 20, 2014

abuser is in the kitchen of my house because some sad person thinks they are a decent person so I went to my room and locked my door so they can’t come in.

Paranoia that abuser will come in and do something to me? might be a sign of post traumatic stress.

July 19, 2014

I spend a lot of my time running away from something.

Running away from toxic and abusive relationships

Running away from sexual trauma

Running away from self destructive thoughts

I’d like to run towards something

No, not run

Glide into something

Give me fresh air, green grass, and warm sun to glide into

June 21, 2014

Of course it’s the 21st of the month. It’s like this day is cursed for me

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June 19, 2014
Summer of Self Exploration 2014

Summer 2012 was the Summer of Love. I learned how to love myself more effectively.

Summer 2013, I was too busy with school to focus on anything but my two classes.

This summer will be the summer of self exploration. I’ve been learning about myself sexually since the beginning of this past academic year. I learned a bit about what I liked this fall. I learned about consent and pleasure. This winter, I learned I definitely didn’t like having sex with cis men. Recently, I’ve been learning how to communicate my likes and dislikes, how to take care of my sexual partner(s) desires, and what I want in bed (or on the floor, or on the couch).

I’m also exploring my gender, sexuality, diet, hobbies, and relaxation techniques. My gender has always caused me some stress, and I feel better now that I identify as nonbinary. I’m pretty queer. I love being with Push and Pulley and I’m glad our relationship isn’t monogamous. I’m taking the time to explore what it means to be a kinky, polyamorous Black lesbian, how to communicate in my relationships, and how to be a good partner. I’m trying to find a way to eat healthy while on a strict budget. Thank the Universe for 39 cents/pound bananas at Stop and Shop. This WILL be the summer I finally learn piano. I’m also working on writing poetry and articles to submit to queer/people of color conscious publications. And now that I’m broke, I need to find relaxation and anti anxiety techniques to hold me over until I can afford more meds.

My tag for this is #Summer Of Self Exploration 2014, and I invite you all to join me on my journey.

June 9, 2014

I think it’s nice that the queers are supporting a biphobic girl in her beauty pageant, but it’s $25 dollars. Even if I had the money, I probably wouldn’t go. I feel like I shouldn’t give out any amount of my emotional energy to a group of people who was never there for me

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June 3, 2014

I’ve been feeling pretty lonely

The people I used to see daily have gone home, I don’t have a group of people to hang out with anymore, and I don’t know how to make friends.

 I think I might start hanging out at queer events in Boston and meeting people.

I need to learn how to make friends in this new post grad life

June 1, 2014

I’m pretty in love with myself and I want to share that love with someone because I feel emotionally unfulfilled but I need to get my shit together before I pursue any romantic interests.

Well, maybe not completely together. It just needs to be more together than it is now

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